How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
