I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
