Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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