pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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