I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
