Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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