I'm gonna have a badass scar
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
