Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize