I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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