My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
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relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
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Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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