i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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