I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
