we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
