i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
MIDGETS
????
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
