He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
