Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
