ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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