i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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