Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
