I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
