Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
