They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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