Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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