see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
if only i could text you this smell
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
