It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
