I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
