How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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