It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
