3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
