ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
