I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We are all done wearing pants today
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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