A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The best revenge is premature balding
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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