I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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