I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
