Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
