College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
