Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
