woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
