Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
