Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
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The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
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Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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