I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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