pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Please, let me fuck your mom
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
