love makes seman taste better
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
