Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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