I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize