So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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