in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
