im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
