I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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