I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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