You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
