I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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