it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
