Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
