Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
