we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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