why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
