I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
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If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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