Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I woke up naked with my work shoes on