I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood