i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
