is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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