just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
