Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
