So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
