There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
